Monday, February 27, 2012

Stress. Anxiety. Hell.

I have never been a stress-er. Ever. I breezed through high school, even college, wedding planning, pregnancy and never once did I manage to stress about a paper, quiz, final, miscarriages, taking care of a newborn. Of course I had my moments, I am only human. I always in my mind used to think that no matter what the circumstances, everything would be ok in the end. Everything always seemed to work itself out. I was a positive person who I guess always trusted God and myself to get it all done and live in a stress free, magical little place.

I am no longer that girl.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's since I gave birth, maybe it's just getting older. I CANNOT HANDLE IT. There are so many crazy things going on right now and I just cannot handle it. I sometime literally count down the hours to bedtime where I can sit in front of the television, drink my wine and not have to think about anything. I can get lost in my stupid reality television shows and just tune.the.F.out. The feelings are so overwhelming sometimes, I honestly wonder how I make it through the day without punching someone in the face or driving my car into a wall. Anxiety is brand new to me. The feeling sucks and I don't know how people live with it.

Work is my happy place. Does that sound weird? Awful? Like I am an awful wife/mother? I love Quinn. I love my husband, more than words can say. But at work I feel like I can be myself. Everyone looks at me like this happy, perky little thing and I guess in a way I live up to that here. I love all of my co-workers dearly, they are like family to me. No one judges me here {at least not to my face} and I feel like I can just be.

I am a total emotional hoarder with the people I am close to. I hate letting out anything to my family or people close to me because I always feel judged. I hate it when all I want to do is vent and people come at me with advice and their opinion in how I should be handling things. I never feel like I can totally let everything out and feel better. I guess this is where the blog comes in. I honestly feel a little better just getting all of this crap out, although I probably won't hit "Publish" for a good long while. I have debated telling the story about my family on here, but I think to myself that there is no reason why I shouldn't. I only wish I could do that while letting the whole world know, not just my followers. It is a long one for sure but it is a story for another day. I am very impressed if you have made it this far in my ramblings and I apologize!

This is my life.

The good, the bad and the ugly. And I have no reason to hide anything. I do know that I need to find something else besides wine to make me calm down. And thank goodness for my little girl. I honestly don't know what I would do if it wasn't for her. She may drive me up the wall, but oh my goodness. All it takes is a hug or smile from her and I feel instantly normal again. That face. I don't even have words for how happy that little girl can make me.

Maybe one of those "Just Write" posts I've seen Mandy and Jess write would be a good idea.


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3 comments:

  1. oh my goodness, I am right there with you! My issue is mainly at night and for the longest time, I was having a really hard time getting any sleep! I'm taking a prescription now and it is really helping! Anxiety is really hard. Hope that you can find a helpful solution!!!!

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  2. I hear you. But for me, my work is my hell. I also love to tune. the. F. out...Guilty pleasures: One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl, and Jersey Shore...what am I 16?? =)

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  3. Thanks Sarah!

    OMG I am addicted to One Tree Hill lol. and 90210. I am so glad I'm not alone!

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